Book Review: Pretending, by Holly Bourne

TW: sexual assault

Here’s the thing: I really don’t understand why love has been so hard for me. I’m pretty. I’m smart. I have a goodish job. I have friends. I have hobbies. I am funny. I am self-actualized. I dress well. I don’t have particularly high standards. I am not expecting to be rescued. I am realistic about what relationships are like. I know they take work. I know nobody is perfect, let alone myself. I know I have to ‘put myself out there’ and I have been doing that. I am a good conversationalist. I am happy on my own. I am.

But, like, I still want a relationship.

I really want a relationship.

Pretending

April is trying to find a boyfriend – someone she can come home to, make dinner with and cuddle on the couch and watch Dawson’s Creek with. She feels that she gets a few dates into something and then it always goes wrong: she asks too many questions, comes across too keen and scares him away, or she makes a suggestion he doesn’t like. Every time she is left feeling upset and alone. April creates a picture in her head of what she believes is every man’s ideal woman: Gretel. Gretel knows how to play it cool, she knows the right things to say in every situation, how to keep a guy interested. With this in mind, April creates a dating profile for herself as Gretel and meets Joshua, who seems to love the new woman he has found. The book follows April as she gets deeper into getting to know a man who doesn’t know who she really is, and what it feels like for her to be the person in control.

Now, before you start thinking this book is all romance and comedy, believe me, it isn’t. The first line of the book is “I hate men.” April was raped by an ex-boyfriend leaving her traumatised and unable to trust men or herself. In the book, she beats herself up because she believes she lets her trauma ruin new relationships and she should be easier to get on with, cooler and happier. She is also unable to trust men and is angry at the power balance where they always have the upper hand.

I hate men because they’re so lacking in exhaustion from not constantly feeling in danger. They walk with this general easiness, like they’ve earned it, rather than taking a moment to examine their luck that they’re not terrified of violent rape whenever they leave the house.

I hate men because they only ever want you for the idea of you – all the good, sexy bits and not the messy, traumatised bits. Bits that are traumatised BECAUSE OF MEN.

Pretending

As the book progresses, April recognises that she needs help and starts to look for other women to talk to about what happened. It’s such a powerful look at the impact of sexual assault and trauma.

The book is brilliant. It says what so many of us are thinking right now as women in society. Its angry and full of rage that we can’t walk down streets alone at night without worrying and that men sometimes don’t understand this and dismiss it as untrue.

I started reading this book last year but didn’t enjoy how uncomfortable it made me. But I knew I had to read it, so it went on the bookshelf for when the time felt right. Fast forward to this week and I picked it up again and couldn’t put it down. It’s so furious and engrossing, it says so many important things that we need to be discussing, and it is still very funny. It might not be for everyone due to the subject matter, but if you can, I really do recommend this book and then go tell others to read it too.